First Impressions

I have no idea at what point I became so incredibly socially awkward, but if there was a prize for it, I would be champion.

I have this horrible habit of making the worst first impressions. I suppose it might tie in with my inability to actually think before I speak – ADHD springs up in all areas of my life, HOORAY!

Generally, the only times that someone has actually liked me after first meeting me is when I have kept my mouth shut besides saying my name and “Nice to meet you”.

More often then not, however, in trying to win new persons’ affection, I end up saying something weird or offensive. Or both.

For example:

“Hey! Nice to meet you – and whoa ho ho, your friend too!”

“Um, what friend?”

“That giant zit on your neck!! Do you have to pay extra admission for that thing in the movie theatre? I bet you could ride in the carpool lane!”

This is just strange. Why would anyone comment on something like that? I have no idea why I have so much word vomit.

Another example:

“Aaah, so nice to meet you! You’re gay? I had a gay friend in high school. He was one of my best friends… But I don’t talk to him anymore. Do you have a boyfriend? Do people say stereotypical things to you all the time, like ask you if you like shoes?”

Weird and maybe a little offensive.

Other times, in trying to identify with new person, I unconsciously try to adapt to what I know of their culture or end up slightly mirroring their accent.

Not so detrimental when new person is from, say, the Southeast.

Painfully awkward if they’re from Asia.

As I’m talking, the small, sane, rational part of my brain is watching a horror film in slow motion and is trying to stop the damage:

“Noooooooo! Doooonnnn’t ssaaaayyyy aaannnyyythiiinnnng aaaabouuuut hisss smmmmaaallll hhhannnndsss!”

And by that time, this is what’s coming out of my mouth:

“They say men with small hands have small penises!”

About 1 or 2 seconds after I’ve just dropped my nuclear bomb, that small, sane, rational part of my brain catches up with me. At this point, I try to cover up my awkardness by talking in a loud, abnormal voice:

“HA HA HA HA, JUST KIDDING, YOUR ZIT ISN’T THAT BIG”

“I HAVE GAY FRIENDS. MY FRIEND BEN IS REALLY FUNNY.”

“I LOVE YOUR ACCENT. I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT ASIA.”

I am a social retard. 90% of people don’t really want to talk to me again after they’ve met me. Another 5% give me another chance, in which, I just may redeem myself.

The other 5% laugh at my misfortunes. I call these people my friends.