The night that I posted the original blog about spiders, one decided to greet me in my bathroom. Since then, every bit of string, every dust bunny, every shadow on the wall makes me jump and do a double-take to make sure it's not one of those horribly unnerving creatures.
This goes on for a good 3-4 weeks every time I find an unnaturally large spider in my house. A complete disruption in my normal way of life.
Terrorists.
Anyway, the giant spider in my bathroom is there to assassinate me, I'm sure of it. There was a bomb strapped to it's abdomen... Ok, well, there was no bomb strapped to its' abdomen, but my heart rate had suddenly increased as if there had been.
I'm pretty sure it had been lying it wait while I took my shower. When I had entered the bathroom, nothing had seemed amiss. My shower must have proved a lot shorter than it had anticipated, because when I opened the shower curtain, it ran from the middle of the bathroom floor to behind the toilet.
At first, I had thought it was a mouse.
Then, it dawned on me that a rogue spider faction must be taking its' revenge.
Completely naked and dripping wet, I grabbed my hairspray from the counter and carefully and slowly walked over to the toilet.
This is what greeted me:
This thing was a fucking mutant beast.
I uncapped the hairspray and bravely dispatched the pressurized fluid.
Apparently, one of the benefits of being a mutant beast spider is that you're completely impervious to hairspray.
This is when it charged me.
I swear I levitated. I was suddenly on top of the toilet. At this point, I was thinking that I need to act fast before it climbs the toilet after me. (Can spiders even climb toilets?)
I did a leap across the bathroom and ran into my bedroom.
Being engaged in spider warfare is quite unnerving completely butt-ass naked, so I put on my tennis shoes. I grabbed a boot and crept back into the bathroom.
It was waiting for me. I ran at it with my boot and a war cry (ok, I just charged it in a quick fashion silently) and vigorously smashed it 5-7 times with the heel.
I killed it dead and I won.
Go America.
UPDATE:
Yes, I tried to deliver the spider to its afterlife with hairspray+lighter at first, but I couldn't get the right angle :(
I don't know if spiders can climb toilets, but I'm pretty sure they can jump onto them.
ReplyDeleteAnd what's with censoring the pic of you in your naked triumph in front of the flag? *sigh*
So i don't really agree with the censorship of your last pic.
ReplyDeleteBeyond that I might mention that what you may hve been a party to was just a mama spider trying to get home to her babies. You may have inadvertantly caused a million baby spiders to become orphans and think about this orphans are more likely to start selling drugs, getting into gangs and terrorist organizations.
So you may have won the battle but you also have caused a whole generation of delinquent spiders bent on the destructin of all humans and their weapons of mass stomping.
OMG! This spider was in your apt at hunters?
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD THAT FUCKER IS HUGE
ReplyDeleteIf you killed "just a mama spider trying to get home to her babies", then that means you have potentially killed a million baby spiders via starvation. Go you!
ReplyDeleteI love how that spider only has 7 legs. And I love even more that you chose tennis shoes as your only battle attire. I would totally buy your action figure.
ReplyDeleteYour writing ability is apparent.
ReplyDeleteYour humor/illustrations however are obviously borrowed (hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com) or nonexistent.
I know this is harsh, but needs to be said.
Thanks for the feedback - To be honest, I have been a bit worried that someone would think I was copying. While Allie has definitely been an inspiration to put my work on teh interwebs, I have always made retarded paint pics and have had the same humor my whole life haha Just similar people, I think :P
ReplyDeletePlus I have no bears.
ReplyDelete